101 reglas del black

por **megalu** Sáb Jun 07, 2008 2:36 am

jajajajaja creo que alguien lo habia posteado en el foro anterior, me lo mandaron hoy por mail Razz

___________________________________________________________________________________________

1. No sea alegre.
2. Se autentico.
3. Toda la gente que no es autentica es alegre.
4. Se severo.
5. Se necro.
6. Sea simultáneamente severo y necro si es todo posible.
7. Rompa las cosas mientras sigue siendo severo y necro.
8. No se divierta en los conciertos. Esté parado alrededor con los brazos cruzados.
9. Repita todos arriba mientras que denuncia la religión organizada en cualquier forma.
10. Nunca, NUNCA, bajo ninguna circunstancia...
11. ... escuche Peccatum.
12. Cuando le pregunten si le gusta Mayhem, diga que le gustan los autenticos Mayhem. Maniac es gay
13. No haga cosas divertidas, excepto quemar iglesias
14. No sea Dani Filth
15. Nunca, bajo ninguna circunstancia pronuncie el nombre d Kenny G
16. No sea Dani Filth
17. Cuando su mama le diga que baje la basura, digale que usted es demasiado duro para bajar la basura
18. Nunca pronuncie nada como el imbecil de Attila en el De mysteriis dom sathanas
19. Sodomice a cualquier puta virginal.
20. Sodomice cualquier cosa que no sea masculina.
21. Asegurese de que su disco salga 3 años despues de ser grabado. Asi se convertira en un disco de culto
22. Cuando dude, grite: true norwegian black metal!!!!!
23. Si eso no funciona, unos golpes fuertes de bateria sin venir a cuento rompen cualquier silencio
24. Dale la vuelta a cualquier cruz que encuentres
25. Retorcer pezones no es una actividad black metalera
26. Escriba en un fanzine de culto, entrevistando a bandas que no conocen ni los autenticos black metaleros
27. NUNCA sea abierto de mente
28. Nunca escriba canciones de menos de 15 minutos largos y que contengan menos de un adjetivo en el título.
29. a) Maquillate b) Vete al bosque c)Actua como un troll.
30. No sea Mortiis (o Dani Filth)).
31. No use zapatos blancos después del día de trabajo.
32. No haga las bromas que solamente a su mama le gustarian.
33. No haga bromas.
34. Cuando dude, frunza el entrecejo
35. No coma pastelitos dulces.
36. A los productores de álbumes de balck metal: si no sangran los oidos al escucharlo, no es autentico!!!
37. Cerciórese de que no menos de la mitad de los músicos en su álbum sean musicos de sesion
38. Cuando toque en directo, gruña los titulos de sus canciones de forma ininteligible. Asi quien no tenga su disco no se enterara
39. Nunca toque en directo.
40. Cuando vaya a un concierto, olvide de que el resto no van a mirarle a usted
41. Utilice alambre de púas siempre que sea posible. (nota: esto asiste a ser "necro" y "severo".)
42. Cuando un falso black metalero le pregunte que es el black metal, digale algo asi como que es "la esencia del mal en el hombre".
Asegurese de que al terminar la conversacion sigue sin tener ni idea de que es el blackmetal
43. Consiga qe uno de los miembros de su banda se suicide y diga que es porque estaba asqueado de la comercializacion de la escena
44. Reforme la banda con los "viejos miembros" y lance un álbum previsto para producir éxito comercial.
45. Cuando el disco fracase, diga que hacer otra cosa hubiera sido menos autentica
46. Tenga un proyecto paralelo. Asegúrese de que el resto de los miembros de su banda también tengan proyectos paralelos.
47. Complete los huecos en los proyectos paralelos de sus otros compañeros como músico de sesion
48. Registre todo en el mismo estudio con el mismo productor, instrumentos, etc
49. Cerciórese de que la cubierta del álbum nunca consista en más de tres colores (opciones de color permitidas: gris, negro, blanco).
50. Indique al público que su banda es "no-religiosa", asi justifica la palabra "Satan" sobre 400 veces en su álbum
51. Nunca lleve zapatos de colores
52. Insista en que la música debe nunca progresar
53. Nunca diga progreso
54. Nunca acabe cualquier cosa que usted comienza.
55. La palabra el hail es el unico saludo apropiado siempre que salude a alguien autentico
56. Si se siente especialmente autentico, salude con un Infernal hail
57. Todas las insignias deben incluir la escritura ilegible y por lo menos un cruz y/o pentagrama invertidos. Esto es no negociable.
58. Al referirse al sexo, diga que "ella me abrio las puertas del infierno"
59. Diseñe el logo de su banda en clase de matemáticas.
60. Acepte cada entrevista que le ofrecen... entonces finja que usted realmente no goza el ser entrevistado .
61. Disfrute de las peliculas de Star trek
62. Espere... omita la anterior (vea regla 1)
63. Nunca diga el dia exacto del Armaggeddon. Simplemente diga que se prepare todo el mundo
64. Utilice la frase "aspirante a siervo del maligno" siempre que sea posible
65. Si encuentra a un miembro de Hecate enthroned, riase de el por no parecer malvado
666. Poseer centenares de álbumes, de demos y de bootlegs Black Metal. Escuche aproximadamente 8 de ellos regularmente.
67. Rompa una Virgen de ceramica delante de casa de su tio. Huya cuando saque la escopeta
68. Prohibido usar emoticonos en internet
69. ¿Por qué no está la palabra "Nordica" en su título del álbum todavía!? Pongala!! Aficionados...
70. El deletreo de cosas no es necro ni severo
71. ¡Norsk Arysk Black Metal! ¡Rahhh!!
72. No importa de donde sea, finja ser noruego y por tanto, autentico
73. No sea Dani Filth. (pienso que está claro)
74. Todos los animales domésticos que usted posee ahora en adelante serán conocidos como "Crucifier". Cualquier animal doméstico que usted posea en el futuro también será conocido como "Crucifier".
75. Black Metalero verdadero: "muchos de nuestros himnos oscuros son influenciados por el Tolkien poderoso... ¿Usted no ha leído los trabajos de Tolkien!? Imbecil
76, @#%$ estoy hablando conmigo otra vez.
77. ¡Norsk Arysk Black Metal! ¡Rahhh!!
78. ¡Eso es mejor, furioso con la entrevista!
80. Cree cruces invertidas en todos los casos posibles.
81. Diga al público que usted es un satanista y agregue que usted está en contacto con un dios noruego pagano
82. Meta su polla en el pure de patatas
83. No haga referencias a los Beastie boys
84. No haga referencias a nadie.
85. Satanas.
86. Lucifer
87. Si es posible, diseñe el título de su álbum de modo que consista en tres palabras totalmente sin relación. Dimmu Borgir son los amos de estas
88. Como sabemos, las mujeres no tienen ningún lugar en el mundo homoerotico del Black metal, pero si sus amigas quieren salir en el disco, pongales a tocar teclados, hacer coros o alguna chorrada asi
89. Nunca forme una banda con su novia, esposa, o alguien alegre
90. Váyase a la cama cuando su mama se lo dice
91. Si es raro, debe ser bueno. Comprelo
92. Por supuesto, que sea lo bastante duro
93. ¿Es usted bastante duro para leer esto?
94. Poseer cada lanzamiento de Darkthrone. Escuche exactamente ningunos de ellos.
95. Posea camisetas de bandas que ni ha escuchado
96. Utilice la frase "de culto" siempre que sea posible
97. Procure lanzar aleatoriamente segmentos al azar de las letras de sus canciones (especialmente los que contengan tacos)
98. Para hacer su grabación más incomprensible y por lo tanto más "de culto", coja un cantante que desconozca el idioma en el que canta
99. Le diré lo que necesita su album... unas tetas
100. ¿Que + quiere saber? Salga ala calle y actue, soldado del balck metal!
101. Ha estado leyendo esto en vez destar cortando cabezas con su hacha? Vergonzoso!!!

por **megalu** Sáb Jun 07, 2008 2:53 am

y si alguien lo tiene... posteen el de las reglas de thrash (era de thrash?) q tbn estaba buenisimo

por Pancakes Sáb Jun 07, 2008 2:56 am

Satanas!

por **megalu** Sáb Jun 07, 2008 2:58 am

jajajajaja como me rio cuando leo estoooo jajajajajaj

por **FRIGHT** Sáb Jun 07, 2008 7:18 am

LA DE TODOS LOS GENEROS DEL METAL ES LA MEJOR........., LA BUSCARE, AUN QUE CREO QUE NO LA ENCONTRARE POR QUE HOY VIERNES ESTOY VIENDO DOBLE.... hippi

por **megalu** Sáb Jun 07, 2008 9:54 pm

jajajaj que raro! deja q la busco yo que estoy embolada en el laburo y me va a venir bien cagarme de risa un rato!!!

por **megalu** Dom Jun 08, 2008 12:37 am

estos son todos los que encontre, sigo creyendo que en algun lado habia uno de thrash metal, pero bueh....

_________________________________________________________________________________________
101 RULES OF POWER METAL
1. You have one goal: be epic.
2. Let no sound be lonely. If there's a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there's singing, make it a choir.
3. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write.
4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
5. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.
6. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.
7. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!
8. You are allowed to be blonde.
9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.
10. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don't get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
11. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model.
12. Ballads are permissible.
13. That doesn't mean your ballads can suck.
14. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1.
15. More solos means more epic.
16. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske.
17. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.
18. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.
19. 'Grim' and 'necro' don't apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying!
20. Power metal depends on power chords.
21. 16th notes are the only notes.
22. Unless you're singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars.
23. Keyboards get solos, too.
24. If you can't be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.
25. Actually, don't be Timo Tolkki.
26. In case you didn't know, "symphonic" is synonymous with "epic." See rule #1.
27. Just because 300 bands before you have already done "epic," there's always room for more.
28. Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad.
29. You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as 'mighty' without being laughed at. Much.
30. Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy.
31. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it's not catchy, it's harder to sing in a language that is not your first.
32. Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic!
33. Tight. Pants.
34. You don't have to detune your guitars.
35. Though you probably should drop them a half-step.
36. Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?
37. Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo.
38. Fortunately, you don't need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice.
39. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.
40. Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes.
41. It's not a tour, it's a crusade!
42. Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don't worry about them live.
43. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don't use words like "majesty," "glorious," "magical," and so on.
44. Wizards! You need wizards!
45. Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords.
46. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing.
47. Come to think of it, don't be Manowar.
48. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.
49. Songs don't begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.
50. Hail true metal!
51. Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel.
52. Epic. Tight. Pants.
53. Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this.
54. So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52.
55. True warriors can tell the difference between albums.
56. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.
57. Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album.
58. Drugs aren't metal.
59. Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways.
60. "Flagons of ale." It's appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like "dragons," so you score extra points.
61. Since you can't get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing.
62. Your accent will show as a consequence.
63. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.
64. More sequels = more epic. See rule #7.
65. Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo.
666. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!!
67. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.
68. Bass players: one note. Really fast.
69. But include one enormous crazy-ass bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won't realize your band has a bass player.
70. Just because you don't play black metal doesn't mean you can't use Tolkein.
71. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears.
72. Never leave Europe.
73. For purposes of rule #72, Japan may be counted as part of Europe.
74. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.
75. Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can't afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard.
76. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren't epic enough to justify a live album.
77. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic!
78. If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them.
79. If you are U.S. American, you probably aren't actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something.
80. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won't be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.
81. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not.
82. Entire albums must be recorded in the same key.
83. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key.
84. Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da…
85. Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible.
86. More than a logo, you need a mascot.
87. He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers.
88. At your first gig, if you feel a "rising force", do be sure not to get it all over your audience.
89. Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP.
90. Do not expect anyone to buy the EP.
91. Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity.
92. Sing along.
93. Don't get caught singing along.
94. Glitter is not epic.
95. Neither is body oil. See rule #47.
96. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.
97. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they're Stratovarius.
98. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you've bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.
99. Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles.
100. To repeat: be epic.
101. I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic.

por **megalu** Dom Jun 08, 2008 12:38 am

___________________________________________________________________________________________
101 RULES OF NWOBHM
1. The more obscure the better
2. Hearing Metallica's cover of "Am I Evil?" does not make you a NWOBHM fan
3. Without Diamond Head, there would be no Metallica
4. Without NWOBHM, there would be no Thrash
5. Constantly complain that Thrash "killed off" NWOBHM; while secretly liking Thrash
6. When someone asks you what NWOBHM stands for, tell them something like "the best genre of music, ever." Make sure they still don't understand what it means.
7. Iron Maiden after "Killers" is not NWOBHM
8. Complain that Iron Maiden "stole" Bruce Dickinson from Samson, while praising him for his work in IM
9. Dress like you're from the 80s, this includes long unkempt hair, ripped jeans, ripped denim jackets with obscure band patches and an even more obscure band t-shirt
10. Pagan Altar are gods amongst men, this is unarguable
11. Def Leppard really really suck! (Apart from their debut)
12. When forming your own NWOBHM "tribute" band, record your album in the key of A
13. In fact, record your whole career in A
14. Make sure at least one song has the main riff lifted from "2 Minutes to Midnight"
15. Which was CLEARLY a rip-off from "Welcome to Hell" by Venom anyway
16. Ballads must have a clean picked intro, a crushing middle section, followed by a fast outro
17. Only write songs about sex, drugs and rock n roll...
18. And the Devil
19. Never down tune your guitars, ever (unless you're Venom)
20. You're not Venom and never will be
21. Bad production values are a MUST, if it's highly produced, it's not NWOBHM
22. Spend exactly £5.35 on producing your album
23. Did I mention the more obscure, the better?
24. Constantly complain that band X "should've made it big"
25. Complain about bands making it big and going commercial
26. Kevin Heyborne is a living legend, even if he can't keep a stable Angel Witch line-up for more than 5 seconds
27. Two words: WITCHFINDER GENERAL
28. Track down every demo, EP and single of your favourite NWOBHM band; go as far as contacting a former member and conducting an interview with him.
30. Start up a Neo-NWOBHM band...
31. But realize your only fans will probably be in Germany and/or Sweden...
32. And you can't afford to move there...
33. Nor would you want to because then you wouldn't be NWOBHM
34. Major record companies are evil; they killed off every NWOBHM act
35. Only sign with small independent record companies...
36. Or Neat
37. Brian Ross is your idol
38. Anything past 1986 isn't real metal....
39. Unless it's a NWOBHM reunion
40. Deliberately spell your band name wrong: substitute vowels for consonants (mainly y's) e.g. Tygers of Pan Tang, Tytan, Phyne Thanquz, etc
41. Name your band something completely irrelevant to the subject matter you sing about, e.g. Satan
42. Worship Diamond Head, daily, if necessary
43. Talk to mainstream metal fans about your favorite obscure NWOBHM act and tell them they're better than anyone they say (which is right, right?)
44. NWOBHM is the only genre that bad songwriting is acceptable
45. When recording your "live" album (keep in mind rule 21 and 22), dub in a few of your mates drunkenly shouting after every song has finished
46. Constantly remind people that Garage Inc. is far inferior to the original songs (especially the Diamond Head and Blitzkrieg covers)
47. Release your demo as a sleeveless 7" only make 500 copies; that way it'll be obscure enough to be classified as NWOBHM
48. Go to every NWOBHM reunion concert ever, even if they are held only in Germany and/or Sweden
49. High pitched vocals are a must. This is non-negotiable, unless you're Venom (see rule 20)
50. Keyboards are optional, keyboard solos however, are not
51. Never keep the same line-up for more than one single/demo/EP. Fire someone if you have to...
52. It'll probably be the drummer anyway
53. Motorhead and Judas Priest are not NWOBHM...
54. But they're pretty kickass nonetheless
55. To put your band in good light, tell people you used to perform at the Soundhouse, even if you weren't born in the 60s/70s...
56. They'd probably never find out anyway
57. NEVER under any circumstances give up on your quest for obscurity, no matter how far you dig, there will ALWAYS be a more obscure band out there (see rule 1)
58. Scorn Metallica for stealing Diamond Head's glory...
59. Even though they played together on at least one occasion
60. Lars Ulrich is an ass
61. Barry "Thuderstick" Graham isn't
62. Track down all of Bruce Dickinson's early recordings with Speed, Xero etc...
63. Even though they are pretty average at best
64. In NWOBHM, women are acceptable band members unlike that homo-erotic Thrash malarkey....
65. Keeping in mind rule 12, record a really heavy and fast song in the key of E...
66. Make it a B-side of a lightweight melodic rock song recorded in A...
67. The A-side is intended to get "recognized"
68. Getting recognized and becoming mainstream is not NWOBHM
69. Urchin are not NWOBHM but Dave Murray and Adrian Smith played in them so it's okay
70. There's much more to Holocaust than just "The Small Hours" but their version was better than Metallica's
71. Their version of "Master of Puppets" is also better than Metallica's
72. Bass MUST be audible, but keep in mind rules 21 and 22
73. Twin guitars are a must, this is essential...
74. Unless you're Venom (see rule 20)
75. Record a load of demos, stuff them in a box, break the band up and wait 20 years until "finding" them again, release them as "The Complete Anthology"
76. Instead of recommending the more known NWOBHM bands to interested friends, show them your collection of obscure 7" singles and demo tapes, tell them "you can look but not touch"...
77. No, you haven't listened to them either.
78. The NWOBHM Encyclopaedia by Malc McMillan is your bible...
79. You have it by your bedside table and read it every night
80. Owning a few Iron Maiden albums does not make you NWOBHM...
81. Even if they are self titled and Killers
82. Track down your favorite NWOBHM bands elusive out of print "second album"
83. Realize it's crap, but keep in anyway because you just shelled out 100quid for it on eBay
84. Following rule 83, debut albums are ALWAYS a NWOBHM band's best work, this is unarguable
85. You thought I was going to say "unless you're Venom" didn't you?
86. Venom's debut IS their best work, period
87. And possibly the worst produced album, ever
88. Re-release all your albums "remastered" with all your demos and EPs tacked on the end
89. Your debut album must be raw and frantic; your sophomore album must be either hair metal or AOR
90. Your album and/or single cover must be a black and white sketch done by your mate who does art in college (part time, of course) of either your band, the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
91. Don't sing about the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
92. Following rules 65 and 66, record a cheesy ballad with synthesizers, make it 9 minutes long and release the lot as an EP
93. Paul DiAnno is still cool even if he was fired from Iron Maiden and done precisely nothing since then
94. To preserve your legacy, DON'T record an album, just singles, demos and EP's, this will ensure your place in the NWOBHM hall of fame...
95. After that see rule 75
96. Record all your material in your front room or garage
97. Paradoxically, foreign members are allowed in NWOBHM bands, hell, even full foreign bands can be classified as NWOBHM as long as they played at least one gig in London during the 80s
98. Progressive elements ARE allowed in NWOBHM, unlike that boring Thrash malarkey...
99. Thrash is actually really really cool, even if it is American
100. Remember kids, the more obscure the band, the better they are!
101. Don't take this list too seriously

por **megalu** Dom Jun 08, 2008 12:39 am

________________________________________________________________________________________
101 RULES OF PROG METAL
1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.
2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
3. Have contempt for mainstream music.
4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.
5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.
8. If he doesn´t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn´t all bad.
10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.
11. If he hasn´t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.
12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.
13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn´t have understood anyway.
14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don't necessarily have to.
15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.
17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.
18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.
19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly.
20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.
21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.
22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?".
23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.
24. Often state that you don´t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.
25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...
26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.
27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.
28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.
29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.
30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.
31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.
32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They're not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?
33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.
34. Make sure your bandname is either a
a) Oxymoron
-Silent Noise
-Tender Harshness
-Healing Gun
Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.
-Deitronus
-Tarakoch
-Fentaran
or
c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.
-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can't get much progger than that)
-Redolent Arithmetic
-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated
35. Don't worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on what´s really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).
36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.
37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:
"I'm staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"
"Mornings' gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist"
"A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."
38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.
39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don't worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that!
40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".
41. Change time signatures. Constantly.
42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician.
43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince you´re wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy.
44. State that Metallica can´t properly tweak the boogies. They´re so... unprog!
45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking shit about punk bands and how people don't understand your music.
46. Play a shitty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania.
47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win?
48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent.
49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you "nail" the song in question.
50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don't need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you don't know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.
51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.
52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.
53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned.
54. Don´t be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.
55. Do not move on stage. Don't under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.
56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.
57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli...Yeah, you've got it now, haven't you?
58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled."
59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, don't kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993's "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.
60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.
61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don´t belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that´s on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!
62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!
63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.
64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn't more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads".
65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.
66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.
67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock 'n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.
68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.
69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!
70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I'm talking about)
71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god´s sake.
72. Get a dog.
73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent.
74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.
75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.
76. What do you mean, you haven't trigged your bassdrum?
77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd.
78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.
79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once.
80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith.
81. Write epics.
82. In case you didn't know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.
83. Have racks with loads of equipment.
84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don't display them?
85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.
86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"
87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play.
88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.
89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people.
90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.
91. BOOOM!!!
92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.
93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.
94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.
95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.
96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is.
97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional.
98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.
99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums.
100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.
101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!!

por **megalu** Dom Jun 08, 2008 12:40 am

_______________________________________________________________________________________
101 RULES OF NU METAL
1. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath.
2. Make sure you don´t sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they´re your musical influences.
3. Make fun of popular music especially Britney Spears and any boyband. This is non-negotiable.
4. When conducting interviews always say the words "@#%$", "fag", and "@#%$".
5. Accept interviews only from the following music magazines: Metal Edge, Revolver, Alternative Press, Hit Parader, Guitar World, Kerrang! and Rolling Stone.
6. Pay them $50 to mention the word "metal" in correlation with your music, in every single interview.
7. Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band -- ie. Death Metal Disco (Static X), Melodic-core (Thursday), Christian Rap Metal (POD).
8. Make sure that at least one of your band members have an existing side project, or at least planning to start one.
9. Ask your mom to go to the nearest "Ross" beauty shop to buy six boxes of Lander hair gel.
10. Use the word "gay" when referring to anything you don´t like.
11. No guitar solos.
12. Your drumming techniques must consist of "bass-snare, bass-snare" drumming only.
13. In order for your bassist to win a "Best Bass Player Award", make sure that they...
14. ...are female or...
15. ...use the "slap and pop" playing style.
16. Jump in the air while playing your guitar, and while in mid-air place the guitar on your side.
17. During concerts, ask your audience to sing along...
18. ...jump up and down...
19. ...put their hands in the air...
20. ...flash their middle-fingers...
21. ...and be careful not to hurt each other.
22. In the liner notes of your album, dedicate it to your parents, and to more than 15 different nu-metal bands with at least 4 bands which you borrowed your sound from.
23. Your second album must be weaker than the first one.
24. Make sure that at least one band member...
25. ...has been previously arrested...
26. ...drinks beer...
27. ...or smokes marijuana.
28. During interviews deny any form of drug-use in your band.
29. Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55.
30. When describing bands which you think are good, end every statement with "kicks ass".
31. When describing bands you hate, end every statement with either "sucks dick", or "@#%$ sucks ass".
32. Pretend that you´ve been abused as a child and when no one believes you, hold...
32. ...your depressing song lyrics as evidence, and if that doesn´t work...
33. ...donate 3% of your earnings to anti-child abuse foundations.
34. Your record label must be either one of the following (and there subsidiaries): Sony, Interscope, Warner, Geffen, Virgin, Roadrunner, and Island/Def Jam.
35. Wear baseball caps, shades, wallet-chains, or any other fancy-schmancy fashion accessory EVERYTIME.
36. Your pants must be 3 times larger than your original waist length.
37. Say "shaznit".
38. Say "tight as @#%$" whenever possible.
39. Pretend that you hate MTV, and say that you detest the playing of your videos without your consent -- but deep down inside you really like the way they promote your music.
40. When meeting up with Kurt Loder and Carson Daly, be sure to meet up with Fred Durst to ask for pointers.
41. Always give credit to Korn and say they brought back "metal" from the dead.
42. Make sure you have at least one female member.
43. Be at every single "Ozzfest" tour.
44. Your t-shirts must be plain black with your logo in front and a teen-angst quote in the back.
45. Pretend that you design your own website.
46. Get Ross Robinson, GGGarth, or Brendan O´ Brien to produce your record.
47. Always make sure that you delay your album release. If it´s scheduled for June 5, move it to July 7. Do this at least twice per album.
48. Ask guest rappers or any member from another nu-metal band to participate on your album.
49. Always whine.
50. Close your eyes when singing to show how "depressed" you are -- ie. Staind
51. Body piercings are a must.
52. Make sure that you have at least one band member that´s bald...
53. ...or have a goatee.
54. Pretend that you hate the world.
55. During live shows, make sure that you dive to the crowd and ask them to return you back.
56. Your pants must be low-waist, and must show your boxers underneath when you lift your shirt.
57. Your drummer must be topless during live concerts.
58. Bite the microphone when singing.
59. Swing the microphone stand while headbanging in unison.
60. Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance -- ie. "its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!"
61. Insert the word "@#%$" in the middle of two words -- ie. "I like coco-@#%$-nut"
62. Zildijan must be your official cymbals.
63. Your guitars must be Ibanez or Fender. Accept no substitutes.
64. Always use seven-string guitars.
65. The more stomp boxes and pedals you have, the bigger the chances of you winning a "Best Guitar Player" award. So get to it!
66. Wear facepaints or masks, and when someone labels you a Slipknot rip-off say that you existed as early as 1977.
67. When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the "heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time".
68. Read #67 but add more of the word "@#%$" as much as possible for emphasis.
69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn´t sound as heavy as you said it would be.
70. Your song lyrics must have the word "@#%$" on at least 3 songs. This rule only applies to pretentious "tough-as-nails" bands.
71. Pick fights with random bands to show how "bad-ass" you are.
72. If you intend to copy someone else´s sound -- don´t use any form of profanity whatsoever when writing song lyrics, so the attention of the critiques will be focused on the lyrical content instead of your music. For more information, ask Linkin Park because they are considered as the "masters" of this art.
73. When kids start calling your band "sell-outs", reply that if they were on your position they´d do the same thing as well.
74. When kids start calling you a copycat, say that the band you´re being compared to is one of your musical influences or....
75. ...its just a coincidence.
76. Make fun of gay people at all times. This is a perfect way to hide the fact that you´re a closet gay.
77. When your parents tells you to go to your room -- go to your room.
78. You must have a studio album out every year. If you can´t pull a studio album in just a year, an album with demos and remixes of old songs will do.
79. Make sure that you get into a scuffle with security on every single concert you partake in to cause a "scene".
80. Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year.
81. Wear clothes from a particular clothing company -- and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma.
82. Release a video that contains nothing but backstage footage of your band making asses out of themselves.
83. During live shows say that you´re about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you´ve wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task.
84. Your fanbase must comprise of 90% morons that have usernames on the internet patterned after your band (ie. Mudvayne fans - DeathBloomsDig99) and the last 10% with smart guys that use original names.
85. Your band name must be a mispelling of an original word.
86. When parents start blaming your band for having songs that incite violence, turn the blame back on them by saying "you never spent time enough with your kids".
87. When someone points out the similarities of your music with another band which rose to popularity just recently, pretend that you´ve never heard of them before.
88. Cancel at least 5 of the tour dates you intend to play in the near future.
89. Claim that the posturings of anger and depression in your songs are genuine.
90. Insist that your band is "metal" at all times.
91. Best Buy and Hot Topic must be your core album distributors.
92. Say that you´re going to commit suicide whenever no one pays attention to you.
93. Your idea of being unique is donning black and white facepaint and acting like a depressed troll in your bedroom.
94. Pretend that you like Kittie´s music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member.
95. Say that rule #94 is a lie! Then stomp your foot on the ground repeatedly while screaming "that´s not true! that´s not true!" over and over again.
96. Your first radio single must have clean vocals or at least melodic riffing.
97. Waste your time writing a song dedicated to taking potshots at the critiques and the people that make fun of your otherwise STUPID music.
98. If you are a new band, cover an old 80s song and make it as catchy as you can. Ship this song as your first radio single - instant success!
99. Participate in as many compilation albums as you can.
100. Strictly no guitar solos.
101. You are offended personally by every single rule written above.

por **megalu** Dom Jun 08, 2008 12:40 am

_____________________________________________________________________________________
101 RULES OF BLACK METAL
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

por **megalu** Dom Jun 08, 2008 12:41 am

_________________________________________________________________________________
101 RULES OF DEATH METAL
1. Be Br00tal
2. dont be gay
3. Any one who isnt br00tal, is gay...
4. be gore
5. try and be br00tal gore if at all possible
6. Dont sit and watch any bands at any concerts, you must mosh, even if you hate the band.
7. Use the word "crushing" to describe things that are cool.
8. blast beats mean good drumming
9. never under any circumstances listen to....
10. six feet under
11. dont be Chris Barnes
12. if someone asks you if you like Cannibal Corpse, only say Chris Barnes CC, but maintaining your hate for him all the while
13. if in doubt, use some verb for vomiting in a song/ album title.
14. GORE OWNS YOU POSERS
15. Anything not ruthless or brutal is gay.
16. Maiden is pussy music, it doesnt crush...
17. for some reason, you must accept syl as deathmetal....
18. when your mom asks you to take out the trash, smash her face with a hammer, and rape her infront of your sister, then exhume a corpse and have a threesome with it and your mother
19. old cannibal owns\m/
20. hate old cannibal
21. when your mom makes you take the trash out via threats of violence tell her you only did
it because your ruthless enough to handle anything, then kick the trashcan.
22. make fun of numetal using drop tuned 7s and simple riffs, then be in a band that does exactly that.
23. suffocation must be worshiped and copied no matter what.
24. name your band disgorge
25. do a slayer cover.
26. when in doubt say BRUTAL DEATH METAL!
27. smash crosses
28. youre not trying hard enough to be brutal
29. having a girlfriend is gay, it makes you less brutal
30. say you love Cryptopsy, but hate all albums besides None So Vile.
31. Blast beats can fill ANYTHING.
32. BLAST BEATS ARE BRUTAL:@
33. try as hard as you can to be gross, at the expense the entire band.
34. you can never have enough Carcass clones....
35. alas...dont be Dani Filth..
36. Say that all American deathmetal sucks, dispite the fact that most European bands are just copies of the American invented sound.
37. admit devin townsend is your lord and savior.
38. dont be grim
39. its perfectly plausable to be true and brutal in concurrance.
40. necro is cool, be necro....necro is used in deathmetal song titles....be necro...
41. sing about outragous gore, why god sucks...as much as possible.
42. infact...gorey deaths of jesus are what you should sing about, so sing...
43. if in a chatroom. kick and ban as many as possible to prove your brutality.
44. rap is not brutal.
45. if your girlfriend makes you listen to rap, berate her until the relationship dies.
46. wiggers are the declared enemy.
47. the low end of the bass is never too low, infact it could be even heavyer, tune down another step.
48. worship flo from cryptopsy
49. be racist and talk about suffocations ownage in the same sentence.
50. name your band disgorge.
60. when asked what deathmetal stands for say "DeathMetal is the soundtrack to societys end,
mankind is useless, its the raw essence of nature and its brutality!" when the real reason you
listen to it is blastbeats and funny lyrics.
61. hate punk
62. seriously, hate punk, and anything else weak.
63. feelings other then that of rage, the will to commit murder, or brutality are not true, nor are they brutal.
64. if you cry, you are not DEATHMETAL.
65. hate powermetal.
66. sing about corpses
67. when you pull a skinless and become commerical deathcore...say you did it for artistic
integrity
68. hate new slayer
69. denouce slayer as not an inovator of deathmetal at all...
70. secretly love slayer
71. only admit to liking a few slipknot songs when drunk.
72. SLIPKNOT!?s:slkhD WHAT?
73. Pretend members of your family apprecaite deathmetal at 3 am.
74. insist on talking to uninterested parties about deathmetal and assume they understand what NUMETAL means, what blastbeats are, and care why Morbid Angel crushes.
75. Insit that suffocation are gods...
76. numetal is fucking gay.
77. seriously, ever heard the band staind? wow, you just wanna slap aaron lewises bald head with a hammer.
78. Greet only with Hail.
79. if someone is especialy brutal say "HAIL MOTHERFUCKER"
80. copy the 101 rules for blackmetal for ideas.
81. necro, any form of vomit, or misanthrope own and should be done as much as possible, to
the point you want to smash stuff with hammers.
82. Hammers are cool.
83. the word OWN is the best word for any situation.
84. this owns
85. Hammers own.
86. BRUTAL DEATH FUCKING METAL!!! RRRAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
87. Kill posers, with hammers....
89. Dont be Fear Factory
90. entrails are fun to sing about...
91. in addition to hammers and guts, chainsaws are also fun fun.
92. never use the term "fun fun"
93. Do stupid stunts that will no doubt prove your "brutality"
94. if its br00tal, it owns.
95. Say you want to fuck Angela Gassow, but hate her music.
96. Dont be Chris Barnes, seriously....
97. Say your favorite band is Death, but never listen to them.
98. "ruthless" is another welcomed addition to your vocabulary.
99. Hate inflames
100. You liked Inflames 3 years ago, but now youve always hated them
101. What the fuck are you still reading this for...pick up a chainsaw and attack some posers!!!

por **megalu** Dom Jun 08, 2008 1:05 am

esto lo hicieron unos flacos de una radio en NZ
____________________________________________________________________________________________
101 Rules For Extreme Metal:

01. You must listen to (and name) at least 100 metal bands (power metal not included) before you are extreme.
02. Hair must be shoulder length, longer, or completely shaved off.
03. Drummers must weigh either under 60kg, or over 140kg - No in betweens.
04. Band logos must be totally undecipherable.
05. Song tempos are only allowed to register under 40bpm (extreme), or over 240bpm (extreme).
06. Thank-you list must comprise of every extreme metal band in existence (even if you have never met the band or heard their music).
07. The police picture of your ex-vocalist’s suicide must be used for the next album cover.
08. Drummer must be limited to blast beats and grind beats (even at 40bpm)
09. Profess the glory of Satan, especially if you are an atheist.
10. Sing about ancient cultures, and invent your own language to sing in.
11. Develop cancer or a tumor of some type.
12. Refer to 1
13. Wear every manner of injury inflicting clothing - manacles, bullet belts, spiky shin pads etc.
14. Sing about the dark lord and/or gore on your first album, and then onto politics and life on all proceeding albums, apparently you 'have matured'.
15. Wear black. Always.
16. Drive a funeral car as transportation for the band.
17. Release an album, then a year later, re-release it with a bonus track just to make people buy the album again.
18. Record twice as many songs as you plan to release, then ten year's later release the album as a collector's item.
19. Record a whole bunch of new songs, add a high frequency hiss, and cut the low frequencies, then release it as 'pre-band demo recordings'
20. Guitars must be shaped so that they may be used as a grievous weapon.
21. Never ever have the same band line up for any album or tour.
22. Feud with the band members that move on to other bands (good publicity).
23. Pretend that you 'hail from Norway'.
24. Do as many side projects that are humanly possible in your extreme time budget. One band, at least, must feature a female singer (your wife, cause no one else is extreme enough).
25. Albums should either be less than thirty minutes, or exactly sixty six minutes and six seconds.
26. In summer, black clothing can be hand torn into singlets and shorts to deal with heat (NEVER use scissors)
27. Have a royal throne for a toilet seat/table seat/car seat etc.
28. Marry a girl with so many piercings, she has more metal in her than a Massey Fergusson tractor – and can never get through a metal detector at the airport.
29. Have 52 metal t-shirts - one for each week of the year.
30. Play only Jackson and/or B.C.Rich guitars.
31. The first letter of every album titles must start at A, and then progress through the alphabet. (Altars of Madness, Blessed Are the Sick, Covenant...)
32. Become a 'specialist producer' of extreme metal, and build your very own studio in the heart of the Norwegian forest (helps with Forest Metal).
33. Forest metal is running round a dark forest, with a $10 Casio Keyboard, and a $5 microphone, records your new 'extreme atmospheric project'
34. Sing about serial killers only after you've met one and formed a relationship with them.
35. Never play in key. Chromaticism is the only way.
36. Let keyboard players 'jump' from band to band (it’s the only jumping they're allowed to do).
37. Claim to have burnt down a church and gone to jail for it (even if you really haven't).
38. Say the word 'EXTREME' and cross your arms in a X shape when you shout it, as often as possible
39. Play the bass without a plectrum.
40. Play drums barefoot, or in white socks if feeling especially extreme.
41. Call everyone 'Sons of Satan' even if you are addressing a female.
42. Be involved in the porn industry in any way possible, preferably as an actor called 'Penetrator' or 'Frosty-Spire'
43. Play only Axis bass drum pedals.
44. Take speed to be the fastest band on earth.
45. Smoke weed to be the slowest band on earth.
46. Guitars must be tuned lower than Ab before they are considered extreme.
47. Guitar solos must not sound anything like Yngwie Malmsteen or blues – solos must be so fast that fingers bleed.
48. Resurrect shitty black metal bands, call yourself 'cult' and then release albums with the shittiest possible production (by referring to rule 33).
49. Television viewing media is restricted to 'The Simpsons' and 'Homicide'.
50. List 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' as your all time favourite movie, only after 'Debbie Does Dallas'.
51. Tour every country possible, but NEVER EVER New Zealand.
52. Support established extreme metal acts, become famous, and even bigger than these acts, then never have anything to do with them again.
53. Drummers: 3 bars of blast beats followed by 1 bar of drum fill. Repeat. Do not deviate from this pattern, failure to follow these instructions may make you less extreme.
54. Marshall amps suck - Mesa Boogie amps rule.
55. Never use your real name, claim your extreme parents gave you the name ‘Persecuter’ at birth.
56. Call your band 'The Next Generation in Extreme Metal' (don't forget to cross your arms) even if you sound like you came straight from the 80's.
57. Make sure your band name is the same as another band's name in the other hemisphere.
58. Cite Darkthrone as a major influence (even if you have never heard them).
59. Have even more disturbing album artwork than the last 'yesterday' extreme band. Hire a professional uber-gore-meister-artist (primarily yourself - don't forget to change your name).
60. (a) Murder a person in another band to elevate you to extreme infamousness - publicity helps.
60. (b) Then write the rest of your albums from jail
61. Say that you've recorded at Morrisound Studios, Florida, USA, with Scott Burns as producer.
62. Organise tours with at least 9 bands on the bill - $6.66 tickets.
63. Have competitions on stage to see which of the nine bands can play the fastest.
64. Always have two (or more) bass drums.
65. Head band until you get told by the doctor that those headaches indicate the possibility of serious brain damage. Carry on headbanging anyway because it is extreme.
66. When singing live, always do 'vocal bails' - do a low growl, because you know that when you go pussy high, you are going to fail it miserably.
67. Refer to 1.
68. Tell everyone that you are going to write all album material by yourself because the music and lyrics are headed in the wrong direction.
69. Join your wife's band.
70. Record an extreme metal video in ONLY ONE (1) of FOUR (4) possibly locations i) A Church, ii) A Graveyard, iii) A Forest, iv) A Castle.
71. If rule 70 ends up being too extensive, paint your band practice room black (it should be already, unless you are un-extreme), wear all black, and have different coloured instruments, so that viewers can only make out them, and your faces (which are white).
72. Bite a dove's head off (or substitute for any form of fowl).
73. All band photos must involve you holding a gun or axe.
74. All band photos must feature naked women looking like your loyal slaves.
75. Get rid of your drummer because he is too slow - get a drum machine instead.
76. Sing in as many different bands as you can possibly whore yourself too, and be totally un-committed to any of them. Unreliable as f@ck = extreme.
77. Record a Slayer cover.
78. After a band 'calls it a day', attempt to contact Rob Halford to start a new band.
79. Or alternatively, Phil Anselmo to resurrect a dead band.
80. Rip off as many samples from horror movies as possible to use in your extreme album. Copyright is for pussies.
81. Triggered drums are the only way to go, even if your snare sounds like a 6" tom.
82. Experience a heroin overdose, live through it, and say that you had to come back because Satan told you that you must piss more people off.
83. Say that you are a Satanist and that you only listen to black metal.
84. Say 'Morbid Angel is the best f@cking death metal band in the world".
85. A toilet is the best place to keep beer and alcohol chilled.
86. Kill your offspring if they become house/trance DJ's.
87. Admit you used to air guitar to KISS and that Gene Simmons is your God.
88. Listen and air drum to Motley Crue's 'Dr. FeelGood' album (yes its ok to do that).
89. Splatter as much fake blood on stage and your audience as stated in the rules of accordance in hiring your venue.
90. Wait, rules are for pussies.
91. Try to get your long hair stuck in as many people's mouths as possible in the audience.
92. Sing so brutal and low, so that people, who even know your lyrics, can't sing along, thus sound pussy in comparison to you. Exert your Extreme Dominance.
93 Recording a jam session in a blizzard on the snowy slopes of Norway is part of the pre-production for your new album.
94. Destroy as many hotel rooms as possible while on tour.
95. Beware of power metal album covers that look like black metal album covers - deception can be brutal.
96. Your middle name must be that of a weapon, succeeded by the word 'The'. eg. "John 'The Missle/Axe/Torpedo' Smith".
97. Wearing leather pants means they must be tight enough to show a dick print.
98. Corpse paint is compulsory when meeting the in-laws.
99. Lay down the smack on all people not as extreme as you, exert your dominance extremely.
100. Work/Live by a steel factory and claim that 'metal has been in my blood from a young age'.
101. The most important rule of extreme metal: “In order to create art of the most truest form, one must live it.” Kill yourself and die, and only then can you write and perform the most extreme of extreme metal possible.

por Contenido patrocinado

101 reglas del black

101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black

Re: 101 reglas del black